did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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