I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
