Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Randomize
