There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
