So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
