Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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