You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
