i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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