I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Randomize
