i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
