My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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