its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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