i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
