no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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