Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
