Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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