Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
