Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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