I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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