He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
