I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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