I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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