Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
