just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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