Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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