i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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