It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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