dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
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