turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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