Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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