I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
my being single is dangerous.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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