He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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