Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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