based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He uses pillows to masturbate.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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