A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
