she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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