Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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