I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
