How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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