i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
