By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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