I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
