My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
