i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
When did angry sex become our thing?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
