Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
