I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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