so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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