she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
