my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
God I need to hump something, right now.
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