Swine flu. Run for my life!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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