So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize