Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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