I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
