Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
