i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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