Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
