I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
