My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
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