just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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