She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
