Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
