If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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