I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Randomize
