Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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