I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
