Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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